Don't leave
by sparklyhedgehog
Summary: A brief story about Castiel's depression after the fall. Dedicated to suicidal people. Stay strong 3


Dean opened the door. Crappy motel room. Cheap furniture. The usual. In each hand he held a white plastic bag, containing Asian food from the take away across the street. He put the bags on the small table at the end of the room, retrieving three Styrofoam boxes. For the fraction of a second Dean smiled. It reminded him of the hunting trips with dad when he was sent off to get something to eat for the family.

"Here, go get us something for dinner." Dean held the 20 dollar bill between his childish and little fingers, curiously looking at the designs on it. "Okay daddy." "Be careful." John gently planted a kiss on Dean's forehead, before the kid went out to carry out his order. He did it with a smile, a true smile. He was happy.

Dean turned away from the table and walked towards the toilet. A little amount of light shone through the gap under the door. "Sammy?" – Nobody answered. Dean started to feel worried. "Sammy are you okay? If you don't answer I'll come in!" He heard a rustling sound, then somebody turning the key to the bathroom door.

Castiel opened the door just a little, little enough for Dean to see his tear covered face. The ex-angel avoided the hunters eyes, looking at the ground, his arms crossed in front of his chest. "Castiel" Dean said softly. "Dean- I- I can't anymore." Castiel said before he broke into tears again. He fell to his knees, sobbing into his hands.

Dean squeezed himself through the barely open door, carefully not to hurt Cas. He kneeled down, placing his hands on Castiel's shoulders.

Castiel did not react. He continued crying, the hot and salty tears rushing down his face and being soaked up by his shirt.

Dean looked at the broken man in front of him, tried to find words. A red stain on the sleeve of Castiel's trench coat caught his attention. "What happened Cas?" asked Dean, not hiding the worry in his voice. Castiel now cried even more, he extended his left arm. Dean understood.

Without checking the wounds he helped Castiel to get up and lead him out of the bathroom and to his bed. He walked back over to his bag and got disinfectants and bandages. "Take your trench coat off." Castiel did as Dean demanded and laid it next to him onto the bed.

The hunter grabbed a chair, to sit opposite Castiel. He carefully took Castiel's left arm and laid it onto his leg. Shivers ran down his spine as he saw all the deep wounds in the soft flesh. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked as he poured a little disinfectant onto a cotton ball.

"I wanted to kill myself." Castiel whispered, struggling to speak through his sobs.

Dean felt like he had just gotten stabbed in the chest. Tears filled his eyes by the thought of losing Castiel, by the thought of losing somebody he needed in his life.

He carefully started cleaning Castiel's wounds.

"Why would you do that, Cas?" He tried to hold back the tears. Images flooded his mind, making him imagine how he'd find Castiel's lifeless body on the ground. Forcing him to think of how he'd watch over his grave for days. He thought about how empty he'd feel. About how much he'd shout and cry for Castiel to come back, but his voice would never reach his distant soul.

"I have no purpose anymore. Without my grace I'm not able to protect you anymore. My only job, I failed it. Dean I did things. Horrible things, that I try to forget but can't. I can't take this anymore. The guilt. It is killing me. Why- Why can't I just put an end to this?"

Dean started wrapping the bandage around Castiel's arm.

"Why do you do this Cas?"

"Do what?"

"Taking the faults of others as your own? Dude, you're not Jesus. A simple man, even an angle will break under all of this pressure. Is it your fault that the angels fell? Or Metatron's, who used your trust for revenge? And what do you mean you failed at protecting me? I'm pretty sure I'm alive, so you're doing a pretty damn good job. Also, look at me and Sam. It is my responsibility to take care of Sammy and it might not always go that well but he's still up kicking. And I don't need any angel magic crap to do so."

Castiel looked down at his knees.

"Cas I need you. You give me strength, keep me going. You're a part of me and if you die, and I don't even care how cheesy this sounds, a part of me dies with you. Cas please. Don't do this to me man. I need you. I love you." Dean didn't hold back his tears anymore and they immediately started rushing down in streams.

Castiel took Deans hand in between his and squeezed it gently.

"Cas please. Please don't do this. I don't know what to do without you. Please-"

"I'm so sorry for what I did… Dean please forgive me for doing this to myself. I promise I won't kill myself. Dean I'm so sorry."

Dean sat over next to Cas onto the bed and wrapped him into a tight hug. "It's okay Cas. I forgive you. Everything is alright."

They both sat there for minutes, quietly crying into each other's shoulders. Dean felt Castiel's warmth against his chest. His heartbeat. The movement of his chest when he breathed. He was happy to feel those signs of life. Happy to have Castiel alive.


End file.
